Day 154 Sunday September 9

FOOD:
fast in AM


bacon and eggs
coffee

2 tacos with tortilla


WEIGHT: 261
CAFFEINE: lots of coffee
SLEEP: only 6 hours?
SUN: no
EXERCISE: no
BLOOD SUGAR:
KETONES:

EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS:
Shitty day. Surprised I'm not in a worse mood. Long story, I stopped hanging out with this guy because he's an asshole. So did most of my friends. But today, he invited everyone over to watch football, and everyone went. So I went too, against my better judgement. This guy was a total sloppy drunk dick, and seemed to say something rude to every one of my friends. But they just laugh it off and seemed to enjoy it. It was surreal to see it. I guess I used to be one of them, but come on. We stopped hanging out with this dude. Nothing's changed. There's no fucking way I'm going back over there, and if I watch football my myself the rest of the season so be it. The worst part of it is that this guy has been single as long as I have (divorced one year), and he's out getting girls online. I hate myself. And I know this guy isn't more appealing than me or anything. But he's pushy and in your face, and I'm nice and disengaged. I know that lots of women find me attractive, but I can't decide what to do about it and push myself to do something. Because I have not motivation, I'm afraid of rejection, and I don't know what to do. I used to think I was unlikeable, at least to women. Now I know that's not true- it's my own fault that I don't have success with women. I don't know which is worse to believe. To know that you're your own worst enemy. At least I could play the martyr before. Now what do I have. And this dick totally rubbing in my face that he's getting action. Thank god he's such a miserable pathetic piece of human trash, or I'd envy him. I wouldn't trade places with him for anything, but it just makes it obvious that even this doofus can figure this shit out.

Trying to find stuff online about insulin resistance and glucose in the brain. The brain is a glucose hog. Luckily our bodies can turn fat and protein into glucose, gluceoneogenesis (sp?). But, if a high carb diet, and inflammation, and lack of vitamin D, obesity and whatever else, can cause insulin resistance, the muscles can't get the glucose they need. I would imagine the brain is the same way. Less glucose could affect the brain's function, making it sluggish and disrupting executive dysfunction. That's my theory at least, and I've seen a few things to back it up.

In other news, fasting is great, not drinking or smoking is cool too. Easier than I thought, although I do worry that it isolates me even more socially. My one friend, who went through AA and MA but started again, tries to guilt trip me on this. You used to be so cool. Funny, I didn't feel cool and connected when I got high or drank. I felt like I was sloppy and overbearing with alcohol, and weed made me paranoid, even more antisocial, unmotivated and scatter brained.

Also, I noticed that when I eat carbs, I get a headache sometimes.

I feel like I'm getting taller. I think I'm just standing up straiter. Is it the weight loss, or the Vitamin D? I measured myself and I didn't really grow though, lol!