FOOD
bacon and eggs
cheese and crackers
pretzels
lunch meat
WEIGHT 257
CAFFEINE
SLEEP 11 hours
SUN
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES
EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
had friends over today. Totally broke still. That's depressing. Still trying to get organized. Carbs are creeping back into my life in a big way. Feeling overwhelmed. Trying to organize my time and realizing there's no time to do stuff, no money to do stuff, and no motivation to do stuff. Other than that I'm great. Blah. Starting to play around with skoach.com. It's sorta complex. The hope is that it can organize you. But you have to input so much stuff in, and estimate times for things, and block out times and appointments. If you can do all that, you're already organized. Then the start up time is immense. I told myself thinkingrock was going to be the last thing I worked on for a long time. and now I'm starting something new, like that will help my problems.
Reading about chaos magick. Great. Another impractical thing for me to spend hours reading about. And of course reading about it on the web gets me into hundreds of related interesting topics. Reading interesting stuff on the internet.
Once I read the last interesting article, and finally get organized, then I'll start doing things like paying bills, doing paperwork, getting a girlfriend, buying a condo, taking vacations, right?
Not doing so well. Not in a bad mood per se. Just feeling ineffective. Losing my mooring.
What's going well?
doing fairly well with sleep, so I don't feel exhausted. Doing fairly well with getting to work on time. Hanging out with friends lately. Keeping in touch with people a little more. Haven't lost more weight, but haven't gained any either. I'm at a plateu, eating candy bars at work, eating bad lunches at work, eating bad on weekends with friends. Not stocking up on meat foods.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Day 184, Tuesday October 9
FOOD
bacon and eggs
chicken wings for lunch
m and m's
chocolate bar
snickers bar
lamb, sour creme and shredded cheese for dinner
WEIGHT 263!
CAFFEINE coffee
SLEEP 8 hours?
SUN got some the day before
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES
EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
Not a great day, not a terrible day. Got a few things done at work, stuff turned out okay in the end.
Saw something interesting. This harvard psychologist showed how we overestimate how bad or good things will be. He wrote some book, I think stumbling towards happiness. Well, anyway, we basically have a set happiness level, and even things like winning the lottery or losing our legs have an effect that wears off after only a few months. I'd heard this before, but it was interesting watching the video. Kind of depressing. I don't think I'm depressed, I just don't thing things are all that exciting. I guess in a way, I don't fall into the category he described, where people OVERestimate how happy losing weight, or meeting a new girfriend, or getting a new job will make them. It seems like hardly worth the effort to do stuff like that. I can't get motivated because it seems like there's not much of a reward at the end. In a weird way, according to his research, I'm right. It seems to me like the easy pleasures, like sleeping late, reading and surfing the web are about as good as it gets. All the other stuff has as many downsides as upside, and besides, it's a lot of work and may not pay off anyway. Especially if you procrastinate like I do and don't finish jobs, and reap the rewards in the end.
Like I got this girl's phonenumber at work recently. In a way, I don't want to call her. I always have this problem. She's interested in me. I guess as an average guy, I should push ahead, so I can get laid. Haven't had sex in what, two years now? But for some reason, it just seems like another chore. More shit I have to do because other people want me to, or because I'm SUPPOSED to do it. Not that I dont' enjoy sex, it just seems like a huge effort to get to the goal, and it might not pay off anyway. Being lazy pays off RIGHT NOW.
It has to be something with dopamine. The motivational neurotransmitter that drives us to seek rewards. Like sex, money, power. ADD means low dopamine. Everything is permitted, but nothing is worth doing. I just coast through life, doing the bare minimum, so that nothing bad happens. And if I have to do something to avoid that bad outcome, I wait until the last possible minute. I think short term all the time. Dopamine motivates to long term rewards.
How to fix dopamine deficit? Exercise, caffeine (I do that one!), sleep, light during the day, stimulant medication (ritalin ex.).
Right now I'm hungry, but I'm too lazy to get up and make dinner. Then tomorrow more work, doing everything at the last minute. People ask what I'm doing tomorrow, and I don't know. I plan everything minutes beforehand. If that cats didn't meow so much, they wouldn't get fed. It's like they're in charge of telling me "feed us dummy". "play with us you lazy shit". They're more mature than I am. Fuck.
Again, I'm not sad. I'm just apathetic. The one thing I like is learning new stuff, thinking creativly. There has to be a way to harness that productively. If I have a boss saying do this now, do that, I'll work all day and never complain. I don't hide from work. I do extra things all the time. I just have problems self starting.
I signed up for this program online called skoach.com. Might be interesting. You do a big project tree, and map out your schedule, and it puts tasks in the right slots for you and monitors compliance. We'll see if it works. I thought thinkingrock was going to do it for me, but as awesome as it is, I end up with a huge list of shit to do, and no idea where to start. Most of it is "could do" stuff, and I have trouble identifying what's really important. Or I can, but I focus on busy work to avoid the important stuff.
Damn those candy bars at work. People selling them, and I'm on a roll with the sweets from visiting my mom and eating junk with her. She has all kinds of meds, I think for diabetes. Although she won't tell me she has diabetes. She eats carbs and sweets like crazy, and is on the low fat kick. What a fucking joke.
bacon and eggs
chicken wings for lunch
m and m's
chocolate bar
snickers bar
lamb, sour creme and shredded cheese for dinner
WEIGHT 263!
CAFFEINE coffee
SLEEP 8 hours?
SUN got some the day before
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES
EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
Not a great day, not a terrible day. Got a few things done at work, stuff turned out okay in the end.
Saw something interesting. This harvard psychologist showed how we overestimate how bad or good things will be. He wrote some book, I think stumbling towards happiness. Well, anyway, we basically have a set happiness level, and even things like winning the lottery or losing our legs have an effect that wears off after only a few months. I'd heard this before, but it was interesting watching the video. Kind of depressing. I don't think I'm depressed, I just don't thing things are all that exciting. I guess in a way, I don't fall into the category he described, where people OVERestimate how happy losing weight, or meeting a new girfriend, or getting a new job will make them. It seems like hardly worth the effort to do stuff like that. I can't get motivated because it seems like there's not much of a reward at the end. In a weird way, according to his research, I'm right. It seems to me like the easy pleasures, like sleeping late, reading and surfing the web are about as good as it gets. All the other stuff has as many downsides as upside, and besides, it's a lot of work and may not pay off anyway. Especially if you procrastinate like I do and don't finish jobs, and reap the rewards in the end.
Like I got this girl's phonenumber at work recently. In a way, I don't want to call her. I always have this problem. She's interested in me. I guess as an average guy, I should push ahead, so I can get laid. Haven't had sex in what, two years now? But for some reason, it just seems like another chore. More shit I have to do because other people want me to, or because I'm SUPPOSED to do it. Not that I dont' enjoy sex, it just seems like a huge effort to get to the goal, and it might not pay off anyway. Being lazy pays off RIGHT NOW.
It has to be something with dopamine. The motivational neurotransmitter that drives us to seek rewards. Like sex, money, power. ADD means low dopamine. Everything is permitted, but nothing is worth doing. I just coast through life, doing the bare minimum, so that nothing bad happens. And if I have to do something to avoid that bad outcome, I wait until the last possible minute. I think short term all the time. Dopamine motivates to long term rewards.
How to fix dopamine deficit? Exercise, caffeine (I do that one!), sleep, light during the day, stimulant medication (ritalin ex.).
Right now I'm hungry, but I'm too lazy to get up and make dinner. Then tomorrow more work, doing everything at the last minute. People ask what I'm doing tomorrow, and I don't know. I plan everything minutes beforehand. If that cats didn't meow so much, they wouldn't get fed. It's like they're in charge of telling me "feed us dummy". "play with us you lazy shit". They're more mature than I am. Fuck.
Again, I'm not sad. I'm just apathetic. The one thing I like is learning new stuff, thinking creativly. There has to be a way to harness that productively. If I have a boss saying do this now, do that, I'll work all day and never complain. I don't hide from work. I do extra things all the time. I just have problems self starting.
I signed up for this program online called skoach.com. Might be interesting. You do a big project tree, and map out your schedule, and it puts tasks in the right slots for you and monitors compliance. We'll see if it works. I thought thinkingrock was going to do it for me, but as awesome as it is, I end up with a huge list of shit to do, and no idea where to start. Most of it is "could do" stuff, and I have trouble identifying what's really important. Or I can, but I focus on busy work to avoid the important stuff.
Damn those candy bars at work. People selling them, and I'm on a roll with the sweets from visiting my mom and eating junk with her. She has all kinds of meds, I think for diabetes. Although she won't tell me she has diabetes. She eats carbs and sweets like crazy, and is on the low fat kick. What a fucking joke.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Day 180 Friday Oct 5
FOOD
bacon and eggs
coffees
1 breaded fish patty
1 cup heavy whipping cream
eggs
2 bacon
3 pcs swiss cheese
3 pieces string cheese
WEIGHT 253
CAFFEINE lots
SLEEP 8 hours
SUN
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES
EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
Good day at work. Super crazy, had to do crowd control, but really liked it. Felt good about my ability to do my job. Did extra and really pulled my weight. Was unprepared and improvised at one point.
I am experimenting with the kirby alarm scheduler. You can have it start programs, and deliver pop up and wav alarms. I am playing around with text to speech online, so I can have the computer tell me to do things. Hope this helps me.
bacon and eggs
coffees
1 breaded fish patty
1 cup heavy whipping cream
eggs
2 bacon
3 pcs swiss cheese
3 pieces string cheese
WEIGHT 253
CAFFEINE lots
SLEEP 8 hours
SUN
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES
EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
Good day at work. Super crazy, had to do crowd control, but really liked it. Felt good about my ability to do my job. Did extra and really pulled my weight. Was unprepared and improvised at one point.
I am experimenting with the kirby alarm scheduler. You can have it start programs, and deliver pop up and wav alarms. I am playing around with text to speech online, so I can have the computer tell me to do things. Hope this helps me.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Day 176 Monday October 1
FOOD
breakfast 2 lg coffees
lunch- 2 pcs chicken wings
after work- 5 breaded chicken tenders at mcdonalds, with bbq sauce
coffee
dinner
grassfed beef
some ketchup
WEIGHT 260
CAFFEINE
SLEEP 7 hours
SUN
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES
EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
was sleepy today. Busy at work. Feeling overwhelmed, but I keep plugging along. Still chaos from the job switch. Had a meeting today that went well.
Want to make this month really good for my diet and exercise. Nov 1 marks one year I've been dieting. I won't say paleo, since I've cheated way too much. But that has been my goal.
Feeling in an okay mood today, other than lack of sleep.
Going to be RIGHT NOW to fix that problem!
breakfast 2 lg coffees
lunch- 2 pcs chicken wings
after work- 5 breaded chicken tenders at mcdonalds, with bbq sauce
coffee
dinner
grassfed beef
some ketchup
WEIGHT 260
CAFFEINE
SLEEP 7 hours
SUN
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES
EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
was sleepy today. Busy at work. Feeling overwhelmed, but I keep plugging along. Still chaos from the job switch. Had a meeting today that went well.
Want to make this month really good for my diet and exercise. Nov 1 marks one year I've been dieting. I won't say paleo, since I've cheated way too much. But that has been my goal.
Feeling in an okay mood today, other than lack of sleep.
Going to be RIGHT NOW to fix that problem!
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