Day 136 Wed. 8/22

FOOD:

bacon and eggs

full slab of bbq ribs
fries
2 diet cokes
sm. plate of spaghetti
3 mini ice cream sundaes 1/4 cup ea.?

WEIGHT: ?
CAFFEINE: 2 diet cokes
SLEEP: 6 hours- not good sleep- not at home- sun woke me up
SUN: none
EXERCISE: none
BLOOD SUGAR: ?
KETONES: ?

EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS:

Helped my mom. Ate whatever she served me. Totally broke at this point. Considering fasting for a few weeks. Yes, it's that bad. :( Worried that my cat is sick, but then again I always worry about the cats. And money. And my job. And why my life is going nowhere. My therapist commented on this and it kind of bummed me out. ADD is characterized by low dopamine, and dopamine is the neurotransmitter that gives us drive and ambition. I am sorely lacking in this area. I am a boat with no rudder, drifting where the wind takes me. Just reacting. When the creditor calls, or something is due TODAY, then I act, and only then. Or if something is interesting to me. This fucking sucks. Sometimes I feel down. I feel like I was hoping that this dietary regimin would help my ADD, and I guess I have a long way to go to lose the weight, and improve my health and I haven't been perfect at it. But I wonder if I'm just fucked. I'd like to see a shrink and see if meds would help me, but I have no fucking money. Because ADD makes me a terrible money manager. I make over 50k a year, and I don't have money for gas or food. I probably paid 4-5k this year in bank overdraft fees. Why didn't I get a job this summer? I was worried that smoking pot made me lazy, but I'm just like that naturally I guess. My mom has ADD and she's worse than me- her place is a disaster area. At least I'm better than her? But she has money at least and I don't. Fuck. I've been going to this ADD group, and that helps a little. One guy talked about not having his plater sticker, and neither do I. One guy talked about being behind in toll payments, and so am I. One guy described himself as just keeping his head above water, and I totally feel like that too. My mom is alone because she can't make friends, or really can't keep them. She get suspicious of their motives, and is easily offended, and feels left out and is a martyr. She shoots her mouth off and alienates people. I don't think I do that, but I do feel isolated. People bug me sometimes. I can think of a reason to not hang out with each of my friends. I get lazy and don't keep in contact with people. I wait for them to call me and then things stagnate. I was supposed to go to lunch tomorrow with this chick I used to work with, but I'm broke, I forgot to email her and it's probably too late now, and I made plans with another friend in the meanwhile. I'll wait until the last minute tomorrow to figure out what I'll do. This sucks. I'm going into a whirlwind next week and I'm fucked. But in a way, crisis gets me going. It's like I need a disaster to get me off my ass. Sometimes I think I should work in an emergency room or a battlefield. No procrastinating then- just REACT. That I can do. That's the one part of my job I'm good at- it's the paperwork and boring stuff I lag at. What did I read somewhere- minimize paperwork to maximize success. I keep thinking of ways to get more organized. I guess I keep hoping that some new system will solve my problems. My real problem is lack of motivation. Lack of belief or vision that any of the chores I'm supposed to do will make me any happier. I just do things to avoid negative consequences, never for positive, proactive reasons. This helps me to write this though, I actually feel better right now. That's what they say about ADD'ers- they can forget bad moods and rebound, but plunge back into the depths of despair in an instant.