Day 184, Tuesday October 9

FOOD

bacon and eggs

chicken wings for lunch

m and m's
chocolate bar
snickers bar

lamb, sour creme and shredded cheese for dinner

WEIGHT 263!
CAFFEINE coffee
SLEEP 8 hours?
SUN got some the day before
EXERCISE
BLOOD SUGAR
KETONES

EVENTS/MOOD/ALERTNESS
Not a great day, not a terrible day. Got a few things done at work, stuff turned out okay in the end.

Saw something interesting. This harvard psychologist showed how we overestimate how bad or good things will be. He wrote some book, I think stumbling towards happiness. Well, anyway, we basically have a set happiness level, and even things like winning the lottery or losing our legs have an effect that wears off after only a few months. I'd heard this before, but it was interesting watching the video. Kind of depressing. I don't think I'm depressed, I just don't thing things are all that exciting. I guess in a way, I don't fall into the category he described, where people OVERestimate how happy losing weight, or meeting a new girfriend, or getting a new job will make them. It seems like hardly worth the effort to do stuff like that. I can't get motivated because it seems like there's not much of a reward at the end. In a weird way, according to his research, I'm right. It seems to me like the easy pleasures, like sleeping late, reading and surfing the web are about as good as it gets. All the other stuff has as many downsides as upside, and besides, it's a lot of work and may not pay off anyway. Especially if you procrastinate like I do and don't finish jobs, and reap the rewards in the end.

Like I got this girl's phonenumber at work recently. In a way, I don't want to call her. I always have this problem. She's interested in me. I guess as an average guy, I should push ahead, so I can get laid. Haven't had sex in what, two years now? But for some reason, it just seems like another chore. More shit I have to do because other people want me to, or because I'm SUPPOSED to do it. Not that I dont' enjoy sex, it just seems like a huge effort to get to the goal, and it might not pay off anyway. Being lazy pays off RIGHT NOW.

It has to be something with dopamine. The motivational neurotransmitter that drives us to seek rewards. Like sex, money, power. ADD means low dopamine. Everything is permitted, but nothing is worth doing. I just coast through life, doing the bare minimum, so that nothing bad happens. And if I have to do something to avoid that bad outcome, I wait until the last possible minute. I think short term all the time. Dopamine motivates to long term rewards.

How to fix dopamine deficit? Exercise, caffeine (I do that one!), sleep, light during the day, stimulant medication (ritalin ex.).

Right now I'm hungry, but I'm too lazy to get up and make dinner. Then tomorrow more work, doing everything at the last minute. People ask what I'm doing tomorrow, and I don't know. I plan everything minutes beforehand. If that cats didn't meow so much, they wouldn't get fed. It's like they're in charge of telling me "feed us dummy". "play with us you lazy shit". They're more mature than I am. Fuck.

Again, I'm not sad. I'm just apathetic. The one thing I like is learning new stuff, thinking creativly. There has to be a way to harness that productively. If I have a boss saying do this now, do that, I'll work all day and never complain. I don't hide from work. I do extra things all the time. I just have problems self starting.

I signed up for this program online called skoach.com. Might be interesting. You do a big project tree, and map out your schedule, and it puts tasks in the right slots for you and monitors compliance. We'll see if it works. I thought thinkingrock was going to do it for me, but as awesome as it is, I end up with a huge list of shit to do, and no idea where to start. Most of it is "could do" stuff, and I have trouble identifying what's really important. Or I can, but I focus on busy work to avoid the important stuff.

Damn those candy bars at work. People selling them, and I'm on a roll with the sweets from visiting my mom and eating junk with her. She has all kinds of meds, I think for diabetes. Although she won't tell me she has diabetes. She eats carbs and sweets like crazy, and is on the low fat kick. What a fucking joke.